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This is a remake of an old journal I made, but it seems like it's happening a lot around here again, so I'll be reiterating and adding more things to it here! Feel free to link anyone to this journal if they need a little nudge in the right direction.

What Not To Do

Have you ever been asked by someone randomly, "Can we be friends?" ? Or perhaps someone simply acts as if you are their best friend, even when you don't know them. They may comment to others talking about you a lot, or call you by a nickname that only your friends use, write journals about you, send tons of notes or comments to you acting as if you're already best buddies, "mention" you all the time, jump into your conversations with someone else.... if so, these people aren't taking friendship forming seriously, and need to take a step back and evaluate themselves and their approach.

Friendship is not automatically made by asking for it.
Friendship is not automatically made by being a watcher, follower, fan, or supporter.
Friendship is not automatically made by pretending or acting like it's there.
Friendship is not automatically made by commenting randomly and getting a polite reply.
Friendship is not automatically made by sending 29387859325 notes or comments to them a day- no matter how nice they are!

These things take time, you can't rush a possible friendship!

Asking or begging to be friends- this sort of attempt to be friends by asking makes you seem desperate, or, as if you just want something from them. You might even be seeming like you're trying to buy or bribe into friendship depending on how you word things and that makes people not want to have anything to do with you. Friendship doesn't happen by asking, it develops over time as people get along and get to know each other better. It can happen quickly (people "clicking" pretty quickly with one another) or slowly (a slow-burn friendship).

Remember that a forceful attempt to be friends actually ends up pushing someone away because it's uncomfortable or pressuring for them.

Friendship Is...

Of course, there are several definitions of a friend! And these definitions vary greatly depending on the person. But we can all agree that most have one thing in common:

It's mutual! Meaning both people accept each other and see their bond as a relationship formed between them.

Calling someone your close friend or asking them to be a close friend (when they do not feel the same) is forceful and pressuring. A true friendship won't be formed by such. This only results in making people uncomfortable or upset, which can drive them away, make them not want to be friends at all.

If you ever happen to make someone uncomfortable with pushy actions, they'd most likely make use of their Block list, or if they are kinder, they'd simply put a "little red flag" in their head and avoid you from then on. I assure you that most people will not hesitate to put your username in their block list and let it sit there for a while.  Or even permanently, because some people get really upset from this kind of behavior. Such behavior might make it 100% impossible for you to become friends, because they will remember what happened and associate discomfort with you! So always be mindful of how you communicate, and consider how the other person feels! If someone seems uncomfortable or withdrawn after an interaction with you, give them space.

Maybe when we were little kids, we could make friends just by asking or by being cute or having something that someone else wanted (Remember "I'll be your best friend if you give me that!" ?) but that is not how friendships are formed here. We're all big kids now- and there are boundaries here that are not meant to be crossed without the proper initial permission and consent.

Right Way To Attempt A Friendship

Here are some tips to attempt friendship with most people.

1. Common interests. These always bring people together, it gives something to talk about. For example, my favorite music, video games, or animals may also be in your favorites, and we could talk about those. But just because you share interests doesn't mean that it automatically makes you a friend. You just have to talk about it at the right time. Which brings me to the next point:

2. Tact. Even if you have good intentions, no one wants to see tons of messages, +fav-bombs, and notes from one random person suddenly and without warning. Have a little finesse and calm yourself down. Spamming every crevice with nonstop attention will make almost anyone feel as if you are kissing up or harrassing/stalking them. Remember, quality over quantity. Instead of rushing to comment on everything they make with one word comments like "cute", actually stop and look at something. Think about it, study it for a bit. And leave a nice detailed comment on what you specifically like about it. I assure you that those special comments we get on here stand out and stay with us for a while. Cookie-cutter comments, even in large volume, remain as a nice gesture... but helpful, time-taking comments are certainly seen as a sentiment. Don't ever copy-and-paste comments to people. Even with edits, they are just not as profound as leaving a meaningful, unique comment that shows what kind of person you are!

The concept of needing tact also applies to being overly hyper, excited, paranoid, depressive, etc. in your comments or other messages and communication with someone. While these are common and normal human feelings (in moderation), doing them often before you know/befriend someone may make you seem as an unstable individual (which most people try to stay away from!). Be sure to remain in the other person's comfort zone when first trying to make friends. You don't want to scare them away!

Comments like "OMFG LOOK AT THIS BEAUTIFUL ART AAHDSHG SO INCREDIBLE YOUR SKILLS ARE AMAZING" can often be taken as either a compliment or something obnoxious or yelling, it depends on the person. Some people enjoy this high-strung commenting all the time, and some don't. Some only do it with close friends. Pay attention to what the person seems to be comfortable with. Simply calm down and be yourself. Constant over-zealousness and excessive enthusiasm can sometimes make you appear to be annoying, obnoxious, or obsessive. And you definitely don't want that to be someone's first impression of you!

Avoid putting yourself down in an attempt to compliment someone else, ie. "Wow your work is amazing, I'll never be as good as you" as this tends to force others to feel guilty. Putting yourself down lessens the compliment and turns it into some seemingly passive-aggressive request for an apology or as if you're fishing for compliments. What ends up happening is both people feeling bad, so just don't do it. Be genuine and don't mention or compare yourself to anyone else! Everyone is different, so instead focus on what makes each person unique to themselves.

3. Respecting boundaries. There is a fine line difference between being genuinely friendly/caring, and prying into personal stuff you're not supposed to be in. Be kind and considerate of others' situations, but don't try to get more information than someone is willing to share.
Example- random watcher sends this note: 
"Hi, I just wanted to check up on you, you seemed to be down after that last vent drawing you made. I hope you're ok, please feel better soon! Here's a hug :hug: " 

-This is a nice message, and doesn't pry into business that isn't theirs. If I received a message like this, I would think, "Wow, what a thoughtful person." And I would respect them for respecting my boundaries. I personally would probably thank them later when I was feeling better. The person who sent it would give me a positive impression for sure.

A message like this, however: 
"Omg I saw your vent art! What happened??? Who would even do that to someone like you? I'd totally go flame them for you if you want! People are just so mean, I really know how you feel!"

-This message bothers me because it's prying by asking (rudely, mind you) what is wrong, also a call to action that they don't even understand, AND they're saying they can empathize, even though they know nothing of the situation. I would not reply to this message, and most likely see the sender as an obnoxious or immature person, and subsequently avoid them from that point on.

Another thing to mention about boundaries is roleplaying. You know, that little *hugs you* or -waves hello- thing that some people do. Often times, it is seen as a cute or friendly gesture. But, some people are made uncomfortable by it, so always make sure that someone is all right with it before doing so. You most likely wouldn't hug or nuzzle a random person you pass by on the street, so be thoughtful in how you do it here. Chances are it's fine in moderation. The same can be said for excessive use of emoticons like :giggle: or xD- to be sure, check how the person themselves types and responds to others!

4. Sheer luck. You don't become friends intentionally most of the time, you just talk and learn things about each other until you learn so much and enjoy their company so much you consider them a friend and they you. It just happens unconsciously, you can't force it along. And, by trying to force it, usually you never become a friend with them- because they'll remember how you've acted and it will basically be a friendship "turn-off" ingrained in their mind about you... possibly even making them avoid you indefinitely.

Friendship comes naturally, by being yourself! And if you're not making friends like you want, then have you ever thought that you're being the problem? Some people just don't "click", and they never will. If this happens, you must be graceful and accept it and move on. Don't try and force things with people who clearly don't want anything to do with you. It stinks, but you have to respect it.

This has been a public service announcement from Amber. Have a wonderful day!

Add a Comment:
wolfheart003 Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wait wait wait... Its ok to just message people? Its not right? I thought just randomly messaging someone would instantly end up awkward and weird >->
La-Anime Featured By Owner May 16, 2017  Student General Artist
This is really nice. yeah i have alot of friends who..... im actually gonna cut off because of them forcing themselves on me and i dont speak up about how i feel or say no. >_< lol thanks for this. im more aware now!
AutisticFangirl317 Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2017  Student General Artist
This helps me because I wanna knnow how to make friends here on DA because rite now I only have watchers
MrDilly2011 Featured By Owner Apr 8, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I was curious about making friends there that's why I came to this site to make nice arts and friends. I never had friends back then but since I came to deviantart I came to not just making friends but also learned about the sites and also learn to follow the rules when I learned more about DA.
sleepymlm Featured By Owner Apr 6, 2017  Student Writer
Good Post OP
PourThatSweetHoney Featured By Owner Apr 3, 2017  Student Digital Artist
Void-Essence Featured By Owner Mar 22, 2017  Student General Artist
this is really nice:3
Chiiru-kun Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you so much! This might work IRL too!
(And yes I'm just not used to making friends)
MReichenbach221b Featured By Owner Feb 3, 2017   General Artist
It's sad that this information is so useful to me... thank you
ShiningSunflower777 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2016   Writer
Thank you so much!
HarrisonButterGem Featured By Owner Nov 1, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Might read this a lot...
SSJSquidward Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2016
I was curious as to how it all works on Deviantart, so I sincerely thank you for taking your time to make this.
SilverCloudss Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2016  Hobbyist Artist
Wait, how can you add someone to your friends list?
SSJSquidward Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2016
I'm not too sure, I think you can add deviants to the Watch list, but I'm not sure about the Friends one though.
SilverCloudss Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2016  Hobbyist Artist
I found it, nvm
SSJSquidward Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2016
herlyks Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Human is so complicated
Fluffygorer Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2017  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thats why all of we are here.
Shyoyhi Featured By Owner Oct 9, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thank you for this. ;;v;;
I basically lost all of my irl and online friends, so yeah--

Doesn't help that I have horrible social anxiety--
ScissorBoy1995 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I wish I could make friends easily... :(
SkinnyGreenKiller Featured By Owner Nov 29, 2016  Student Digital Artist
So do i, i've been trying to talk to people "casually" but i have anxiety, so i always think i said something wrong.
ScissorBoy1995 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Me too. :( I also have anxiety problems... I wish I can be a normal person sometimes.
Jatrwarnettezilth Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2016  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Me too :c
ScissorBoy1995 Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
You are not alone :(
Cactuscat12 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
same :I
ScissorBoy1995 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Cuddling up with someone close...
DevilBusterBaraki Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is great helpand valuable advice I'm glad you took your time to make such an insightful post:happybounce:  :)
MidoriNebiru Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
This helps, i don't really hve much friends here in dA. Thanks.
LilyLovesFanart Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2016  Student General Artist
How do i make a friends list if i have some?
FruityLullaby Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2015  Student Traditional Artist
This really helps a lot. I'm bad at making friends both online and IRL bc I'm really shy and anxious when it comes to new people. This was a really helpful guide, thanks so much for making it!
flame-senpai Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2015  Student General Artist
This helps a lot, I'm not really experienced in making friends online. Thanks for taking the time to write this!
Ambunny Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2015   Artist
Of course, no problem! Glad it helped! :D
HawkFang Featured By Owner Oct 22, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks!! <33 I don't really have many friends irl so I'm hoping to make friends on here ;o;
MaskFive Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist

I need a lot of luck.
Pastelaine Featured By Owner Oct 8, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
i dont know how to add friend in deviantart friendlist..that's why i'm here xD
tacodesis Featured By Owner Oct 14, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Same here, hopefully you already found your way~ :D (Big Grin) 
PointedXFinger123 Featured By Owner Sep 26, 2015  Student Filmographer
I'm bad at making friends because my interests are too rare. Mine are programming, animating, and drawing (drawing is a little bit common but usually people said they don't know how to draw). I wish I found a person who knows programming only so I could talk to him and needs help. T_T
Cactuscat12 Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Im an animator... :D
MidoriNebiru Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Psst, hey, i'm a programmer.
FelisLupus Featured By Owner Apr 11, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Finally, someone understands! Can't find anyone who likes art at all.
ShanFable Featured By Owner Edited Aug 7, 2015  Student Artist
This is so helpful :) I appreciate you putting this up 
I am terrible with chatting on the internet or in real life... when ever I talk people just lose interest or don't reply :/
Aethon056 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2015
Cool article, well done.
psychosquatch Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2015
Some sound advice. You seem pretty smart. :)
Ambunny Featured By Owner Jun 30, 2015   Artist
Thanks! :D
purpleblu Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Im just a newbie in dA and i want to make friends here, i dont have friends irl. i hope i can make in here. Wish me luck! ... and i hope i dont get any hate like those i see on youtube.
phnex Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh my! You helped me a lot!
Haha, like in real life too xD.
Hope I'll make real friends soon, but as you said .. It takes time!
Seasonal-Wind Featured By Owner Jun 18, 2015
Thanks for writing this. I am kinda new to DA and I want to make some more friends.

I will now write my interests on my page. If anyone is interested in making an easy friend I'm right here lol
NickRoberts10 Featured By Owner Jun 16, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
This should help me out, quite well. Thanks for posting this.
Blade018 Featured By Owner May 9, 2015  Hobbyist Filmographer
I was always very timid growing up. Although i'm a lot more outgoing with other people now, it's still not easy making friends. Pretty sappy story, huh?
Add a Comment:

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Submitted on
June 5, 2013


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